Work Emails That Happened vol. 2

This email exchange involves a coworker of mine who I will call Gunther. I have chosen the name Gunther because it is a name that makes me think of people who are struggling with morbid obesity. Gunther is that special kind of person who can dish it out, but can't take it. He has no problem barraging me with constant suggestions that I am: A) A Gay, B) A Fag, C) Queer as Fuck. He also likes to point out that I blush very easily, and attributes that fact to my inner guilt for being such a swishy twink bitch.

It's important to note that Gunther is the only one making these accusations. While I may not be a professional psychiatrist, I am an amateur professional psychiatrist, and in my expert opinion, Gunther is projecting his own self hatred onto me.

Watch as he goes from questioning my sexuality to a group of my coworkers, to being defensive, to TRYING to play along, then goes straight to tacit threats of physical violence.

It all starts with a YouTube video of an advertisement for Taco Bell, featuring a character named Fantastic Rice who appears to be a homosexual food product.

From: Tommy
To: Stanley; Gunther; Richard
Subject: Super Delicious Ingredient Force

Check it out: Funny Taco Bell Ad

Fantastic Rice!

-Tommy

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(Preface: The Setup)
From: Gunther
To: Tommy; Richard; Stanley
Subject: RE: Super Delicious Ingredient Force

Is Fantastic Rice gay?

-Gunther

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From: Tommy
To: Gunther; Richard; Stanley
Subject: RE: Super Delicious Ingredient Force

Well, he is pretty fantastic. And a snappy dresser to boot.

-Tommy

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(Step One: The Barb, Fire One)
From: Gunther
To: Tommy; Richard; Stanley
Subject: RE: Super Delicious Ingredient Force

I'm not looking at it. I'm just listening to it. I could of swore I heard Richard's voice.

-Gunther

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From: Richard
To: Gunther; Stanley; Tommy
Subject: RE: Super Delicious Ingredient Force

(Oh God Here We Go.jpg)

-Richard

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(Step One: The Barb, Fire Two)
From: Gunther
To: Richard; Stanley; Tommy
Subject: RE: Super Delicious Ingredient Force

Exactly. How many gay guys do you know?????

-Gunther

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From: Richard
To: Gunther; Stanley; Tommy
Subject: RE: Super Delicious Ingredient Force

Two, not counting Stanley. Six, counting you.

-Richard

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From: Stanley
To: Richard; Gunther; Tommy
Subject: RE: Super Delicious Ingredient Force

OUCH! Hahaha!

-Stanley

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(Step Two: Getting Defensive)
From: Gunther
To: Stanley; Richard; Tommy
Subject: RE: Super Delicious Ingredient Force

Change the number to 7, because you forgot yourself. It's ok, sometimes the brightest of the gays can forget also. But the biggest ever will always be there to put you straight.

-Gunther

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From: Richard
To: Gunther; Stanley; Tommy
Subject: RE: Super Delicious Ingredient Force

Unless I’m reading this incorrectly, you just labeled yourself “the biggest homosexual ever.” Perez Hilton must be devastated.

You just earned yourself a new title, princess.

PS: Do you like camping?

-Richard

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(Step Three: Trying to it Coolsville)
From: Gunther
To: Richard; Stanley; Tommy
Subject: RE: Super Delicious Ingredient Force

That's exactly what I did. Of course, I was referring to my size. No, you cannot take me camping. The homos I roll with like to bowl. Not camping such as yourself.

-Gunther

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From: Richard
To: Gunther; Stanley; Tommy
Subject: RE: Super Delicious Ingredient Force

I’m putting this in my signature. Thank you, Gunther.

PS: Stop sliding $5 under the stall door when I’m using the bathroom.

-Richard
Super Company Name
Audit Analyst
“Did you just label yourself ‘the biggest homosexual, ever?’” –Richard
“That’s exactly what I did.” –Gunther

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From: Tommy
To: Richard; Gunther; Stanley
Subject: RE: Super Delicious Ingredient Force

Is he the one that keeps doing that? Seriously man, proper etiquette dictates at least $10 for a handjob. Quit being cheap, Gunther. You won’t get any takers that way.

-Tommy

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From: Richard
To: Tommy; Gunther; Stanley
Subject: RE: Super Delicious Ingredient Force

Specifically, Gunther, the additional cash for a handy is a surcharge for all the extra work it takes just to FIND the thing under that kilt of blubber that unfolds when you aren't wearing pants.

-Richard
Super Company Name
Audit Analyst
“Did you just label yourself ‘the biggest homosexual, ever?’” –Richard
“That’s exactly what I did.” –Gunther

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(Step Four: Tacit Threats of Physical Violence!)
From: Gunther
To: Richard; Stanley; Tommy
Subject: RE: Super Delicious Ingredient Force

Don't come to the front man. Seriously. You will regret it.

-Gunther

Antsy in the Pantsy

I'm working on something rather exciting at the moment, but it's taking up all my time and I haven't had a chance to feed this thing.  Due to overwhelming popular demand, I give you this tragedy:



The Tik Tok girl from YouTube.  Remember her?  No?  Nobody else does, either.

I realize this makes me a mean, mean person who does bad things because he's a real booger at heart.

I'm sorry.

He-Man? I Can Do That

I'm working on the project that will replace He-Man.  I am not doing this in coordination with anyone.  I'm just usurping that weak shit I was force fed in the 80s.  You just wait.  Think you've seen biceps?  FUCK your biceps.  I don't know what to name him, yet, but he'll be wearing LESS clothes, including MORE rainbows, blond hair, and effeminate felines!

I WILL BURN YOUR NIPPLES OFF WITH MY RADIANCE.

Work Emails That Happened

From: Shelly Mosel
Sent: Tuesday, May 04, 2010 4:58 PM
To: Richard
Subject: DO YOU HAVE THE SCISSORS

DO YOU HAVE THE SCISSORS?

-SHELLY

From: Richard

Sent: Tuesday, May 04, 2010 4:59 PM
To: Shelly Mosel
Subject: RE: DO YOU HAVE THE SCISSORS?

Yes. 

-Richard

From: Shelly Mosel
Sent: Tuesday, May 04, 2010 5:00 PM
To: Richard
Subject: RE: DO YOU HAVE THE SCISSORS?

OKAY THANK YOU. 

-SHELLY

From: Richard
Sent: Tuesday, May 04, 2010 5:19 PM
To:  Shelly Mosel
Subject: RE: DO YOU HAVE THE SCISSORS?

Oh, certainly, Shelly.  I can see how excited you are about having those scissors.  The towering capital letters in your email say it all.  Are you doing something particularly exciting with them?  Will you be using them to cut the ribbon at the grand opening of a new children’s hospital?  That’d be nice.  If you ask me, there aren’t enough medical facilities that cater exclusively to children out there.  When I was a kid, I had to have surgery to correct a birth defect that left my pancreas dangling from my hip, but that was before Texas Children’s Hospital existed, so I had to have it done at the local Veteran’s Hospital.  Someone from the Korean War passed away and left his relatively intact pancreas behind.  Long story short, I had to share a room with a pair of Vietnam vets.  One of them was named Oscar, but insisted on being called Otto.  I figured it wasn’t an unreasonable request seeing as how both names started with the same letter.  I think the other guy’s name was “Deedee.”  Actually, he was probably one of those guys that went by his first two initials and last name, like H. S. Thompson, or P. F. Chang.   I guess his name was D. D. Meow, or something like that.  I can’t be certain that was his name, but he kept shrieking it at Otto, who would just sit there and push a button that initiated a flow of morphine straight into his veins.  Having grown up since then, it’s only in retrospect that I’ve come to realize that although they were both technically Vietnam vets, they apparently fought for different sides during the war, which explains why they didn’t get along very well and probably shouldn’t have been placed together in the same room.

PS: My operation was unsuccessful. 

-Richard 

From:  Shelly Mosel
Sent: Tuesday, May 04, 2010 5:49 PM
To: Richard
Subject: RE: DO YOU HAVE THE SCISSORS?

ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS?

-SHELLY

From: Richard
Sent: Tuesday, May 04, 2010 7:02 PM
To: Shelly Mosel
Subject: RE: DO YOU HAVE THE SCISSORS?

Trust me, Shelly, there is nothing more serious than war, and for some of our honored veterans, the war’s still burning on – in their minds.  I hope Otto and D.D. work things out.

As for myself, I eventually got a pancreatic transplant from a smaller, healthier child, who is now suffering from a life-threatening form of Type-R Diabetes.  Type-R Diabetes is similar to normal early-onset diabetes, only it’s significantly faster.  I remember the operation because it was Roarin’ Twenties theme night, and all my nurses were dressed up like Flapper Girls and some of the doctors were dossied up in snazzy suits under their white coats.  When they asked me how I felt after my surgery, I told them I felt like a million bucks and that my primary nurse was “the cat’s meow” and everyone laughed.  But actually my primary nurse was ungodly obese.

And she shouldn’t have been wearing pearls.

-Richard

From: Shelly Mosel
Sent: Tuesday, May 04, 2010 5:49 PM
To: Richard
Subject: RE: DO YOU HAVE THE SCISSORS?

WHATEVER I FOUND SOME SCISSORS

-SHELLY

Behold as I Deface a Timeless Wartime Photograph for the Sake of a Pun

Not too long ago, The Girlfriend was telling me all about how she used to watch Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution before they made an American series.

"I think Jamie would be proud of the lunches I make for my daughter, at least %97 of the time," she said.  "I've been watching his shows for years.  My friend John eats at his restaurant once a year."

"Neat," I said.  I'm a charming conversationalist.

"Yeah," she continued.  "He takes at risk teens and teaches them to cook."

At this point, my mind was in full daydreaming mode.

"Ha, ha.  'Food Revolution.'"

"Yeah, yeah," she said.  "But he means well!  He changed England.  Well, England is about as big as South Carolina, but still."

Seeing as how she was becoming slightly defensive, I knew she'd misunderstood what I was giggling about.  To clarify, I said:

"No, no.  I mean, could you imagine cupcakes executing dissidents?"

I know the picture shows a cupcake being executed, but that's because the more I thought about it, the more I was certain that sweets would be among the first to be purged in Chairman Oliver's Food Revolution.

(And flavored milk.)

I Will Smash My Way Into Your Hearts

One of the super nicest things about having a blog with only...let's see...one follower, is that I can screw up the formatting on these posts, and no one notices.  That's super nice.  I would be so anxious if I knew that, were I to make a mistake, it would be seen by hundreds of people.  That would be a nightmare.

Just to drive the point home, I'm going to post this without previewing it.  Because I'm borderline illiterate, I'm sure that somehow I will be posting this text to the title bar of this blog instead of the body.  Also, I'm going to predict that the image above won't fit.

Let's do it!  YAY!

edit:  SHIT.  Everything's fine.  Whatever.  I'm not exploiting my anonymity at all.

Some Things I Did

Those are the first four mascots of my personality I've managed to illustrate.  There are tons more.  I've taken to drawing them on Post-It Notes and leaving them around my workplace instead of doing my job.  One of my favorites not illustrated here is Morning After Badger.  If you've ever woken up thinking, "Oh God, why did I do that last night?" or, if you've ever said anything like, "Fucking hell, why did I say that?" or, "Great, things will be awkward now, thanks, Alcohol!  Super.  Super." then you know Morning After Badger.

Basically, everything you've ever done while under the influence of alcohol, drugs, sleep deprivation, or horniness --or whatever else that you wish you could take back-- falls under the domain of Morning After Badger.

He's got problems.  His thoughts stop him at red lights and remind him of his shame, and then he forgets to go when the light turns green, which prompts the person behind him to honk their horn, which embarrasses him further.  Remember when you got drunk at that gay club and did that ridiculous dance that humiliated your gay friend so profoundly that he left you there with that giant black homosexual named Julius who pushed physics to its limits by *HONK!*

It's like that.

I also did a drawing of a weasel with big square glasses, poofy black hair, and holding a bottle of expensive Cognac.  I call him Kim Jong Weez-Il.  Get it?  GET IT?!  No?  READ A BOOK.  It's funny if you're smart.

Ooh, and then there's Problem Drinker Dragon.  He's fine the way he is.  Don't argue.

I call all these little drawings "Personality Pals" because I don't have the imagination or wit to think of a better name.  I like to collect pieces of people and illustrate them using painfully obvious metaphors.  I do hundreds of them.  In fact, I have a drawer full of them.  If I ever die, they'll search my desk and find them, assuming that I was an undiagnosed schizophrenic.

Then they'll see that I drive an El Camino, and assume that I'm a rapist, too.