Behold as I Deface a Timeless Wartime Photograph for the Sake of a Pun

Not too long ago, The Girlfriend was telling me all about how she used to watch Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution before they made an American series.

"I think Jamie would be proud of the lunches I make for my daughter, at least %97 of the time," she said.  "I've been watching his shows for years.  My friend John eats at his restaurant once a year."

"Neat," I said.  I'm a charming conversationalist.

"Yeah," she continued.  "He takes at risk teens and teaches them to cook."

At this point, my mind was in full daydreaming mode.

"Ha, ha.  'Food Revolution.'"

"Yeah, yeah," she said.  "But he means well!  He changed England.  Well, England is about as big as South Carolina, but still."

Seeing as how she was becoming slightly defensive, I knew she'd misunderstood what I was giggling about.  To clarify, I said:

"No, no.  I mean, could you imagine cupcakes executing dissidents?"

I know the picture shows a cupcake being executed, but that's because the more I thought about it, the more I was certain that sweets would be among the first to be purged in Chairman Oliver's Food Revolution.

(And flavored milk.)

I Will Smash My Way Into Your Hearts

One of the super nicest things about having a blog with only...let's see...one follower, is that I can screw up the formatting on these posts, and no one notices.  That's super nice.  I would be so anxious if I knew that, were I to make a mistake, it would be seen by hundreds of people.  That would be a nightmare.

Just to drive the point home, I'm going to post this without previewing it.  Because I'm borderline illiterate, I'm sure that somehow I will be posting this text to the title bar of this blog instead of the body.  Also, I'm going to predict that the image above won't fit.

Let's do it!  YAY!

edit:  SHIT.  Everything's fine.  Whatever.  I'm not exploiting my anonymity at all.

Some Things I Did

Those are the first four mascots of my personality I've managed to illustrate.  There are tons more.  I've taken to drawing them on Post-It Notes and leaving them around my workplace instead of doing my job.  One of my favorites not illustrated here is Morning After Badger.  If you've ever woken up thinking, "Oh God, why did I do that last night?" or, if you've ever said anything like, "Fucking hell, why did I say that?" or, "Great, things will be awkward now, thanks, Alcohol!  Super.  Super." then you know Morning After Badger.

Basically, everything you've ever done while under the influence of alcohol, drugs, sleep deprivation, or horniness --or whatever else that you wish you could take back-- falls under the domain of Morning After Badger.

He's got problems.  His thoughts stop him at red lights and remind him of his shame, and then he forgets to go when the light turns green, which prompts the person behind him to honk their horn, which embarrasses him further.  Remember when you got drunk at that gay club and did that ridiculous dance that humiliated your gay friend so profoundly that he left you there with that giant black homosexual named Julius who pushed physics to its limits by *HONK!*

It's like that.

I also did a drawing of a weasel with big square glasses, poofy black hair, and holding a bottle of expensive Cognac.  I call him Kim Jong Weez-Il.  Get it?  GET IT?!  No?  READ A BOOK.  It's funny if you're smart.

Ooh, and then there's Problem Drinker Dragon.  He's fine the way he is.  Don't argue.

I call all these little drawings "Personality Pals" because I don't have the imagination or wit to think of a better name.  I like to collect pieces of people and illustrate them using painfully obvious metaphors.  I do hundreds of them.  In fact, I have a drawer full of them.  If I ever die, they'll search my desk and find them, assuming that I was an undiagnosed schizophrenic.

Then they'll see that I drive an El Camino, and assume that I'm a rapist, too.