Antsy in the Pantsy

I'm working on something rather exciting at the moment, but it's taking up all my time and I haven't had a chance to feed this thing.  Due to overwhelming popular demand, I give you this tragedy:



The Tik Tok girl from YouTube.  Remember her?  No?  Nobody else does, either.

I realize this makes me a mean, mean person who does bad things because he's a real booger at heart.

I'm sorry.

He-Man? I Can Do That

I'm working on the project that will replace He-Man.  I am not doing this in coordination with anyone.  I'm just usurping that weak shit I was force fed in the 80s.  You just wait.  Think you've seen biceps?  FUCK your biceps.  I don't know what to name him, yet, but he'll be wearing LESS clothes, including MORE rainbows, blond hair, and effeminate felines!

I WILL BURN YOUR NIPPLES OFF WITH MY RADIANCE.

Work Emails That Happened

From: Shelly Mosel
Sent: Tuesday, May 04, 2010 4:58 PM
To: Richard
Subject: DO YOU HAVE THE SCISSORS

DO YOU HAVE THE SCISSORS?

-SHELLY

From: Richard

Sent: Tuesday, May 04, 2010 4:59 PM
To: Shelly Mosel
Subject: RE: DO YOU HAVE THE SCISSORS?

Yes. 

-Richard

From: Shelly Mosel
Sent: Tuesday, May 04, 2010 5:00 PM
To: Richard
Subject: RE: DO YOU HAVE THE SCISSORS?

OKAY THANK YOU. 

-SHELLY

From: Richard
Sent: Tuesday, May 04, 2010 5:19 PM
To:  Shelly Mosel
Subject: RE: DO YOU HAVE THE SCISSORS?

Oh, certainly, Shelly.  I can see how excited you are about having those scissors.  The towering capital letters in your email say it all.  Are you doing something particularly exciting with them?  Will you be using them to cut the ribbon at the grand opening of a new children’s hospital?  That’d be nice.  If you ask me, there aren’t enough medical facilities that cater exclusively to children out there.  When I was a kid, I had to have surgery to correct a birth defect that left my pancreas dangling from my hip, but that was before Texas Children’s Hospital existed, so I had to have it done at the local Veteran’s Hospital.  Someone from the Korean War passed away and left his relatively intact pancreas behind.  Long story short, I had to share a room with a pair of Vietnam vets.  One of them was named Oscar, but insisted on being called Otto.  I figured it wasn’t an unreasonable request seeing as how both names started with the same letter.  I think the other guy’s name was “Deedee.”  Actually, he was probably one of those guys that went by his first two initials and last name, like H. S. Thompson, or P. F. Chang.   I guess his name was D. D. Meow, or something like that.  I can’t be certain that was his name, but he kept shrieking it at Otto, who would just sit there and push a button that initiated a flow of morphine straight into his veins.  Having grown up since then, it’s only in retrospect that I’ve come to realize that although they were both technically Vietnam vets, they apparently fought for different sides during the war, which explains why they didn’t get along very well and probably shouldn’t have been placed together in the same room.

PS: My operation was unsuccessful. 

-Richard 

From:  Shelly Mosel
Sent: Tuesday, May 04, 2010 5:49 PM
To: Richard
Subject: RE: DO YOU HAVE THE SCISSORS?

ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS?

-SHELLY

From: Richard
Sent: Tuesday, May 04, 2010 7:02 PM
To: Shelly Mosel
Subject: RE: DO YOU HAVE THE SCISSORS?

Trust me, Shelly, there is nothing more serious than war, and for some of our honored veterans, the war’s still burning on – in their minds.  I hope Otto and D.D. work things out.

As for myself, I eventually got a pancreatic transplant from a smaller, healthier child, who is now suffering from a life-threatening form of Type-R Diabetes.  Type-R Diabetes is similar to normal early-onset diabetes, only it’s significantly faster.  I remember the operation because it was Roarin’ Twenties theme night, and all my nurses were dressed up like Flapper Girls and some of the doctors were dossied up in snazzy suits under their white coats.  When they asked me how I felt after my surgery, I told them I felt like a million bucks and that my primary nurse was “the cat’s meow” and everyone laughed.  But actually my primary nurse was ungodly obese.

And she shouldn’t have been wearing pearls.

-Richard

From: Shelly Mosel
Sent: Tuesday, May 04, 2010 5:49 PM
To: Richard
Subject: RE: DO YOU HAVE THE SCISSORS?

WHATEVER I FOUND SOME SCISSORS

-SHELLY