This email exchange involves a coworker of mine who I will call Gunther. I have chosen the name Gunther because it is a name that makes me think of people who are struggling with morbid obesity. Gunther is that special kind of person who can dish it out, but can't take it. He has no problem barraging me with constant suggestions that I am: A) A Gay, B) A Fag, C) Queer as Fuck. He also likes to point out that I blush very easily, and attributes that fact to my inner guilt for being such a swishy twink bitch.
It's important to note that Gunther is the only one making these accusations. While I may not be a professional psychiatrist, I am an amateur professional psychiatrist, and in my expert opinion, Gunther is projecting his own self hatred onto me.
Watch as he goes from questioning my sexuality to a group of my coworkers, to being defensive, to TRYING to play along, then goes straight to tacit threats of physical violence.
It all starts with a YouTube video of an advertisement for Taco Bell, featuring a character named Fantastic Rice who appears to be a homosexual food product.
From: Tommy
To: Stanley; Gunther; Richard
Subject: Super Delicious Ingredient Force
Check it out: Funny Taco Bell Ad
Fantastic Rice!
-Tommy
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(Preface: The Setup)
From: Gunther
To: Tommy; Richard; Stanley
Subject: RE: Super Delicious Ingredient Force
Is Fantastic Rice gay?
-Gunther
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From: Tommy
To: Gunther; Richard; Stanley
Subject: RE: Super Delicious Ingredient Force
Well, he is pretty fantastic. And a snappy dresser to boot.
-Tommy
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(Step One: The Barb, Fire One)
From: Gunther
To: Tommy; Richard; Stanley
Subject: RE: Super Delicious Ingredient Force
I'm not looking at it. I'm just listening to it. I could of swore I heard Richard's voice.
-Gunther
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From: Richard
To: Gunther; Stanley; Tommy
Subject: RE: Super Delicious Ingredient Force
(Oh God Here We Go.jpg)
-Richard
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(Step One: The Barb, Fire Two)
From: Gunther
To: Richard; Stanley; Tommy
Subject: RE: Super Delicious Ingredient Force
Exactly. How many gay guys do you know?????
-Gunther
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From: Richard
To: Gunther; Stanley; Tommy
Subject: RE: Super Delicious Ingredient Force
Two, not counting Stanley. Six, counting you.
-Richard
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From: Stanley
To: Richard; Gunther; Tommy
Subject: RE: Super Delicious Ingredient Force
OUCH! Hahaha!
-Stanley
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(Step Two: Getting Defensive)
From: Gunther
To: Stanley; Richard; Tommy
Subject: RE: Super Delicious Ingredient Force
Change the number to 7, because you forgot yourself. It's ok, sometimes the brightest of the gays can forget also. But the biggest ever will always be there to put you straight.
-Gunther
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From: Richard
To: Gunther; Stanley; Tommy
Subject: RE: Super Delicious Ingredient Force
Unless I’m reading this incorrectly, you just labeled yourself “the biggest homosexual ever.” Perez Hilton must be devastated.
You just earned yourself a new title, princess.
PS: Do you like camping?
-Richard
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(Step Three: Trying to it Coolsville)
From: Gunther
To: Richard; Stanley; Tommy
Subject: RE: Super Delicious Ingredient Force
That's exactly what I did. Of course, I was referring to my size. No, you cannot take me camping. The homos I roll with like to bowl. Not camping such as yourself.
-Gunther
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From: Richard
To: Gunther; Stanley; Tommy
Subject: RE: Super Delicious Ingredient Force
I’m putting this in my signature. Thank you, Gunther.
PS: Stop sliding $5 under the stall door when I’m using the bathroom.
-Richard
Super Company Name
Audit Analyst
“Did you just label yourself ‘the biggest homosexual, ever?’” –Richard
“That’s exactly what I did.” –Gunther
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From: Tommy
To: Richard; Gunther; Stanley
Subject: RE: Super Delicious Ingredient Force
Is he the one that keeps doing that? Seriously man, proper etiquette dictates at least $10 for a handjob. Quit being cheap, Gunther. You won’t get any takers that way.
-Tommy
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From: Richard
To: Tommy; Gunther; Stanley
Subject: RE: Super Delicious Ingredient Force
Specifically, Gunther, the additional cash for a handy is a surcharge for all the extra work it takes just to FIND the thing under that kilt of blubber that unfolds when you aren't wearing pants.
-Richard
Super Company Name
Audit Analyst
“Did you just label yourself ‘the biggest homosexual, ever?’” –Richard
“That’s exactly what I did.” –Gunther
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Step Four: Tacit Threats of Physical Violence!)
From: Gunther
To: Richard; Stanley; Tommy
Subject: RE: Super Delicious Ingredient Force
Don't come to the front man. Seriously. You will regret it.
-Gunther
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
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